My brain is feeling a bit scrambled today, so this post might be all over the place and get a little wonky in the process.
Some things have been said to me by several people over the course of the last few weeks and I wanted to take a few minutes to write this down. First, adoption is not for everyone. I get that! I know that in this blog I tend to focus mostly on the positive things that have happened throughout this process. There are a few reasons for this, but the main one is that Alex is 16 years old, has access to this blog and I have no intention of bringing up some of the harder struggles we have *all* had because that would be an invasion of her privacy. So for anyone who is considering adoption, especially an international adoption of a teenager, please do not use the words that I have used here on this blog as any indication of what the entire process looks like! This blog is a snapshot. And everyone knows you only show other people the very best photos you have...not the crappy ones where you aren't smiling, your hair is a mess and you have a huge mustard stain down the front of your white shirt. In my opinion, Alex is pretty amazing! But...that doesn't mean that she doesn't have struggles and moments of breaking down. Same goes for me! I wasn't a perfect parent to my two birth children before Alex came around, and I'm certainly not a perfect parent now. On the flip side of that coin, I'm also not a terrible parent and adopting Alex has NEVER in any way, shape or form caused me to be a bad parent for my two younger kids. My husband and I did not adopt Alex as any favor to her. We didn't do it because we felt sorry for her, couldn't stand the thought of her being on her own in less than a year or even "just because" we love her. We adopted her on paper because she was ALREADY our daughter in every other way that matters. She IS our daughter in every sense of the word. My two other kids aren't my "own" children while Alex is just someone we added to the family. I have THREE of MY OWN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!! And if we were to adopt again, it would be for the same reasons. We can't afford to just go around adopting kids because it's the nice thing to do. So if you are reading this blog and haven't been through this process but perhaps assume that adopting is the "nice" thing to do, please let me make something very clear: All of the people I know who have adopted (and through the wonderful world of Blogger, I know quite a few!) did NOT adopt out of the kindness of their heart. They didn't adopt because they are saints on a mission to "save" children. The children they adopted or are in the process of adopting aren't "lucky" children who won a family at a carnival game. Families who adopt are simply FAMILIES!!! So please don't label me as "nice" simply because I happen to have a daughter that was adopted. And while I'm on the topic of labels, I'm also not crazy or stupid because I adopted. And I wouldn't be nice, crazy or stupid if my husband and I chose to adopt again.
Moving on...I am a Christian. I believe Jesus Christ, the Son of God, lived his life as a model for all of us and then sacrificed himself so that we can have eternal life if we accept it. I don't consider myself "spiritual" or even "religious". I consider myself a Christian. A follower of Christ. I do sometimes talk about how blessed I am. But I'm not "in your face" about it. So I am putting it out there that, yes...Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. 'nuf said.
If you are thinking about building your family through adoption because it's easy, you need to reconsider. It isn't easy. It is beautiful. It is joyful. It is eye-opening. It is life-changing. It is NOT easy. If it were easy, there would be no more orphans. If you are someone who thinks people who adopt are crazy and just can't understand it, then you should think about the fact that you don't actually *need* to understand why people adopt. You just need to accept it. If you can't accept it, then at the very least, don't judge it! When families adopt they DO think about how it will impact their lives. They DO think about how much more money it will take to add another child, or two or three or MORE to their families. They DO think about the changes they will need to make and how those changes might impact other members/children in their family. Sometimes things turn out just the way they imagined it. Sometimes things go horribly wrong. I can't say that every person who has ever adopted has thought out every single aspect of how an adoption might turn out, but I think it's pretty safe to say that nobody goes into it blindly.
*wheh* I know this came out of virtually nowhere. I am truly NOT trying to offend anyone, or make anyone feel bad because they don't understand the "why's" of our adoption and the choices we make. Between some of the things that have been said to me and the things that have been said to friends of mine who have also adopted I just couldn't contain myself anymore. If you feel like I am addressing some of the things you have said to me, well...I probably am. Is this post because of *one* person's comments/concerns? No. Are these things I should have said face to face? Probably. But I chose to write it out instead because I *know* I am not the only person out there facing these issues.
If you are considering adopting a teenage girl from Ukraine and would like more information or to pick my brain about the process just let me know! I won't post the nitty gritty details here, but I would be more than happy to answer any (legitimate) questions you have.
I didn't write this post because things are going badly with Alex. Alex is doing great! She is struggling a bit with school work now and I have a conference scheduled with some of her teachers in the morning. She is really loving her two dance classes and is hoping to try out for the school dance team in a few weeks. Trying out for the dance team is contingent upon grades, so hopefully she will be able to try out. This Sunday in church the kids from the student ministries are supposed to dress up in '80s clothing. I found a fluorescent tank top to go under a '80s-ish top. I'm trying to find leg warmers, but have struck out so far.
end rant
Hopefully you feel better now?! :) My own family is not supportive and even acquaintances say rude things ... even total strangers say rude things. I hope I didn't say anything to offend you! Given we're pretty much in the same boat over here, I figured my "advice" and/or questions wouldn't offend too much! :) Please let me know personally if I did.
ReplyDeleteOh wait...NOW Blogger is letting me comment on my own blog!!! You said absolutely nothing to offend me! :)
ReplyDeleteHeh... Not to self... Don't cross Susan. We definitely understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteYou never know. Just like when you give birth, you never know. I do think adopting children after age 11 is harder, due to the language issue. The human brain changes as we enter puberty and makes language-learning much more difficult.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the biggest thing is just personality - like it is with bio-children. We have been blessed by adopting one older boy with a personality so calm, so sweet, so appreciative, so helpful that anyone would envy us. We have two other very beloved boys who are (to my mind) much better behaved than most kids (really above-average!!!) Then there is our daughter. Wowie. What a ride. To say she is a challenge is certainly understatement! But I wouldn't change a thing. They were all adopted out of love. And no matter how they behave, I love them, and feel so blessed.
SO blessed, that I am dying of embarrassment when people try to say how "good" we are. What nonsense! Selfish, more like it! (And, I've read that a greater-than-average number of children adopted in order to "save" their souls, are disrupted. You have to want to be a parent, not a missionary.)
Annie~ So glad things have gone so well with your adoptions. It's hard to tell people that we aren't "good" just because we adopted. I think people mean well, but it just isn't something that they can see as anything but a good deed.
ReplyDeleteI think it is possible to know that a child is your child, but in the end things just don't work. Whether there are paperwork issues, the child is too old, you can't pull the finances together or the child simply doesn't want to be adopted. Too often adoptions do happen and things fall apart from there. It isn't something that can be predicted most of the time. I know people who have tried to adopt (internationally) and for whatever reason it didn't happen. The failed paperwork aspect of it didn't change the parents feelings of whether that child was theirs or not. I absolutely love your statement about the fact that you have to want to be a parent, not a missionary. There is plenty of missionary work to be done that does not involve adopting!
I will admit that our adoption of Alex is just about as storybook perfect as adopting a teenager can get...so far. Not to say there haven't been some issues, but seriously, she is a teenager! Who never has some issues w/their teenagers?
I love this feisty post! I'm always so uncomfortable when people tell us what a good thing we are doing by adopting and how wonderful we are. Even when we answer that we aren't and that these boys will do more for us than we will for them, they just can't let go of the image... I'm sure they mean well also, but it's still awkward. And I love the reality of what you said about never having issues with your teenager. Everyone does-biological or adopted. Hormones are international!:)
ReplyDeleteThis sounds to much like a conversation I keep having to have with the same person. I am not as kind as you blogging about it though. I address it with them right then, and it does cause issues. We are at the point I've told them that this is the way it is going be and they can be a part of our family or not. Great blog it touches on something I am sure everyone adopting can understand at some point.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, I didn't ask any of those questions this summer! :) I think your family is beautiful! I also think it's a beautiful thing that for biological, adopted, and children not yet added to the family....mama bear is the same! Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteNot at all, Tracey! And love you, too!!
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